Renji's Idea
by fanfictionusername
Summary: lieutenants give their captains gag gifts, read & review!


hehe i got the gag gifts ideas somewhere else and therefore they are not mine.

**Disclamer: i dont own bleach**

In Which the Gotei 13 lieutenants give gag gifts.

In Soul Society it was the end of a hard days' work for the captains and lieutenants, the captains are either finishing up, resting, or doing...whatever what they're supposed to do. The vice-captains were- let's just say they're about make some kind of trouble soon.

"hic renji, hic what d-did you ssssay?" kira was struggling to push away the alcohol matsumoto had absent-mindely been shoving to him for the past 2 hours.

"i said.. ive got a great idea to let loose our captains." renji was luckily still sober enough to think think clearly.

"how?! hic" matsumoto was also drunk at the moment (tsk tsk tsk) while failing to shove kira alcohol for the past 2 hours.

"renji you're wasting your time there's possibly no way for tosen-taicho to let loose, the closest ive been to is him leaving work early." shuuhei was also, incredibly still sober while fighting the urge to drink a gallon,  
he was lucky kira was the one matsumoto was busy shoving alcohol to for the past 2 hours.

"then i'll just dare it from you" said renji, it seemed he had all this quite planned out.

"dare?" the other fukutaichos said in unison excluding yachiru who was innocently napping, how can a child drink alcohol?! (scratch nemu from the list too)

"hmm... that seems half-interesting." said hinamori over some tea, 'good girl.'

matsumoto was busy shoving alcohol down kira's throat, this time she was winning and it looks like they werernt gonna stop for the next 2 hours.

"and all of you are gonna participate or else you're gonna be labled as (insert insulting word). renji said with a slight smirk.

"IM IN!" all present fukutaichos said including yachiru who woke up from the racket.

"whats the catch?" oomaeda asked while picking his nose for the last 2 hours.

"it better not be too stupid beyond humanly possible" nanao said in disgust while watching oomaeda pick his nose for the last 2 hours, she was drinking apple martini, 'meh.'

"it's simple, we just need to pick out the best gag gifts for our captains, anyone who gets the best reaction wins." renji said after finally getting himself some coconut rum, 'ew...'

"that seems reasonable..." isane said over a cup of copper caramel. '??' she had been experimenting for the last 2 hours.

"loser gets consequences." renji said evilly. (that even a word?)

"gulp" iba had been polishing his shades and drinking what seemed to be, vodka. 'bleeuch...'

"we can start right now." renji added.

-And they all called it a night.-

"taicho.. my head hurts..." said matsumoto with a killer hangover.

"thats what you get for drinking yourself crazy, there's medicine in the lower shelf so get to work" hitsugaya said, his head could be barely seen from the piles of paperwork.

"ah taicho i almost forgot... here's a present for you" matsumoto said as she handed a plain looking box to her taicho.

"whats this?" hitsugaya curiously inspected the plain looking box and when he looked up his lazy fukutaicho was nowhere to be seen. "matsumoto come back here!" sigh might as well open this plain looking box.  
"MATSUMOTO!!" hitsugaya shrieked in disgust, inside was a roll of toilet paper with brown stuff glopped all over it. little did he know it was just brown paint with a bit of cotton balls matsumoto had thrown in for effect.  
"hee hee sorry taicho but im gonna win this one" matsumoto thought to herself.

* * *

"unohana-taicho sorry im late i overslept again!" isane said as she rushed into the 4th division office with a small box in hand.

"it's okay isane, just finish up some papers there." unohana said patiently.

"right away ma'm, oh and here it's a gag gift for you it was renji's idea." isane passed the gift to unohana.

"my what do we have here?" unohana opened the small box and found a roll of toilet paper with a 20kan bill stuck to it (kan is the currency in soul society).

"..." unohana made a mental note to visit squad 6 later on.

* * *

"yachiru whats this?" kenpachi said looking at a feminime purse with a violet heart attached to it.

"ken-chan, pineapple-head said we should give captains presents! i got that from big-boobies' place"  
yachiru declared happily.

"che and here i thought it was a compass..." kenpachi said while grabbing the purse and continued to search for the 11th division office.

* * *

"kira-kun! you're not late? and it was a drinking night last night? did i miss something?" gin asked while playing tic-tac-toe by himself on the paperwork.

"uh-no sir, um.. i'll do those paperworks" kira took the paperwork and worked on it.

"hmm.." gin was practicing his fox-like smile in front of a compact.

"hey kira how's ma smile comin along?" gin asked kira.

"it's fine sir" kira said without looking up.

gin fronwed, "kira-"

"ah taicho i forgot i have to give you this!" kira brought out a plastic bag with a box inside.

gin perked up again, "s'that for mee? oh you shouldnt have kira!" gin grabbed it from kira, opened it and gaped at what he saw; "aww...it's a fox plushie! hm, hm, great work kira!"

"..." kira was too embarrased to look up when he saw the look on his taicho's face when he found out the fox plushie pooped brown gummi candy when you twist it's tail.

* * *

"Komamura-taicho please forgive my tardiness today" iba said with a BIG box on his back.

"ah it's okay fukutaicho, more importantly whats inside that BIG box?" sajin asked curiously.

"oh it's for you taicho.." iba placed that BIG box in front if sajin and went to fetch some papers from who knows where.

"...wonder whats inside." but he didnt open it cuz written on top if the box it instructed to plug the wire from a little opening on the box to a socket every other hour for 24 hours before opening, he did this and when he opened it, what was inside had absolutely nothing to do with the plugging for 24 hours, because inside was a leather coat.

"...hmm... i think this is what they call 'gag gifts'..."

* * *

"soifon-taicho, crunch crunch gulp! ive got something for you" oomaeda said as he waved a tall but small box in front of soifon while spewing crumbs on said taicho's head. (he was eating crrrackers)

"oomaeda! stop that! and whats this?" soifon got the package and saw a black tail peeking out from the corner of the box, in an instant she knew exactly what it was; a black cat plushie. she had dozens of those, but a little more wouldnt hurt.

"oomaeda why would you give me something like this?" soifon asked.

he just shrugged.

so soifon opened it and saw: a couple of rocks in the shape of a bee with drawings and stuff, the tail was connected to nothing. "...!"

"what the -BEEEEP- are you doing?! is this some kind of sick joke?! you-" soifon was enraged from the bad pun.

"taicho im so sorry! it was renji's idea! i swear!" oomaeda panicked.

"abarai?" and with this she calmed down and made a mental note to pay a visit to the 6th division later that day.

* * *

"yamamoto-soutaicho, abarai-fukutaicho told us to give captains gag gifts and well, here's yours." sakakibe said.

"gift? lemme see it." soutaicho got it and nobody knows what happened after or what sakakibe gave to the soutaicho.

* * *

"kyoraku-taicho would you stop fooling around and get to work else i wont give you the gift!" nanao threatened.

"oh nanao-chan you're so cold, i'll wait like a good boy then :) " shunsui replied.

sigh what she'd give for a new taicho; nanao threw shunsui a bottle that said 'eau de toilette'.

"ooh! cologne! i'll wear it right now!" shunsui sprayed half the contents all over him and said:

"nanao-chan! are? where are you my dear nanao-chan?" shunsui went to the opposite direction from where nanao went.

"hehehe..." feeling a bit satisfied nanao continued on with paperwork. Little did shunsui know that the contents in the bottle was filled with toilet water.

* * *

"aa-aai-"

"hinamori is there something the matter?" aizen asked hinamori.

"a-ah! aizen-taicho, would you accept this?" hinamori shows aizen a bigger than BIG box cutely wrapped.

"hinamori, why would you ever give me such a thing?" aizen asked hinamori.

"uh-m renji dared us all to give captains ggg-"

"ah thats okay i'll accept it!" aizen interrupted. (rude!) hinamori left and aizen walked over to the table where she left the bigger than BIG box. aizen opened it, there was another box, he opened it again, and there was another box, this continued on and on for 15 times till there was a piece of rock that had his name on it.

"well at least we've got extra boxes and a paperweight for paperwork to put in :)" aizen said and continued his work.

* * *

"tosen-taicho, ive got something for you..." shuuhei said with a bit of remorse.

"what is it?" tosen asked

"here" tosen felt something replace his glasses.

"what is it?" tosen asked (he's blind remember?)

"oh...um nothing sorry" shuuhei felt guilty. he had replaced his taicho's glasses with the funny ones with the nose and mustache.

* * *

"renji..." byakuya said irritatingly (that a word?)

"kuchiki-taicho you dont like it?" renji ask with a smitten look on his face. byakuya gava a death glare, renji has given his taicho a special custom made zanpakuto made by him, it was a sakura branch with a crudely made hilt at the end with twigs and sticks together with the package. it spelled out his name.

"this so-called 'gag gift' is a waste of time, why cant you do paperwork instead of goofing off?" byakuya said rather noble-like but still cold.

"it's to loosen up" renji said with a smug look on his face. and this is the time where captains unohana, soifon,  
gin, (should be kenpachi but he didnt get his compass soo..) and hitsugaya who didnt appreciate their gifts paid their visits.

"ABARAI-FUKUTAICHO! what have you done?!" everyone said. (there were different versions of this but i didnt feel like typing them all)

"e-e-everyone... shouldnt you all be doing paperwork?" renji said feebly.

After that nobody knows what really happened, just that it caused a great ruckus: 2 bankai releases, 1 broken nose, 1 dislocated finger, and renji put in 5 casts for a month.

END

Thanks for reading! hope it kinda gave you ideas for gifts :)

* * *


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